The Christian Way Forums / The Christian Way Forums / Recovery and Health Issues / Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection / Latest Posts

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

Linda — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 20:18:14 GMT

in the light,

I have been carrying this stuff around for so long, and now it is bursting through to the surface - like a huge black boil which needs to burst in order to be healed. This is in addition to my very profound awareness of God's love and acceptance of me with all my pain, which Zoraean so wonderfully reminded me of. Does any of this sound at all familiar?

Yes, it does sound familiar. I have found that when people have deeply painful, unresolved issues, the issues can stay burried for a long time. Then there may come a time when the issues bubble to the surface in response to some sort of trigger and are difficult to control until they are dealt with. In my case, I went through two major phases of my emotional healing process after leaving CS, the first immediately after leaving CS and the second beginning about 10 years after leaving Christian Science. In both cases, I was functioning normally on the surface (most of the time) but was plagued by a relentless, excruciating sense of anxiety that wouldn't go away until I recognized and dealt with some key issues. Your "bursting through to the surface - like a huge black boil which needs to burst in order to be healed" describes it pretty well. Like you, I was keenly aware of God's love (and definitely his protection and guidance), but I still had to work through some pretty heavy stuff in order to find emotional wholeness. Some of my story is posted here on the Christian Way web site.

[quote]I am having a sense of Christ gently holding the pain and blackness I have internalized through unconsciously absorbing these conflicts as a child - He is not asking me to cast it out, but to allow Him to gently hold it and allow his healing light to penetrate it - very softly.[/quote]

I'll pray that God will bring the emotional healing that you need. The journey can be tough, but it's wonderful to feel God's care throughout that journey.

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

in the light — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 21:16:52 GMT

Thankyou Rosebud 3 for the name of the CD. I will try and track it down through Amazon.com.

I am feeling far more peaceful. I think reading some of the recent posts has helped me to understand far more of my Dad's religious conflicts after leaving CS - it truly is a religion which can have some bizarre and painful effects, which go on for years. I am having a sense of Christ gently holding the pain and blackness I have internalized through unconsciously absorbing these conflicts as a child - He is not asking me to cast it out, but to allow Him to gently hold it and allow his healing light to penetrate it - very softly. Even though I am a mainline Christian now,and truly know the love of Christ in my life, after all these years I still find involvement in any church difficult,and unconsiously approach them all with the same hypervigilance that my Dad had towards religion. It would be great to be able to relax and really enter into and enjoy a Christian community.

in the light

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

Rosebud3 — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 12:53:45 GMT

Dear in the light,

The name of the CD is "one moment more" and the musician is Mindy Smith. It was put out by Vanguard Records in 2004. I don't know if it's still on the market or if she did more. I think this was her first. It is kind of country-pop-folk type music. There are also just some basic ballad type songs on it. I think this kind of music is nice because it tells a person's story and then we can share it with them. Often it makes me feel less alone to know that someone has been through the same. Psalms in the Bible is like that too. My favorite Psalm is 139 and of course, 23.

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

in the light — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 17:49:01 GMT

Dear Rosebud3

Thankyou for your kind words and for thinking of me. Yes, I would like to know the name of the CD - it sounds as though it would be helpful.

in the light.

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

Rosebud3 — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:45:23 GMT

Dear In the Light,

I was thinking a lot about you yesterday. I was listening to some music you might find comforting. It is very Christian and written by a female. I believe she wrote it when her mother was dying and she was discovering her relationship with Jesus Christ. One song especially gave me the shivers (in a good way) when I thought of you. I used to like to listen to it when I was caring for a very loved friend who was dying through the Hospice program in her home. I went through the whole process with her. It was difficult but very honest, very able to be open to grief with her husband and primary care-giver. If you would like the name of this CD let me know. Perhaps it would help with validation and your feelings of vulnerability. Believe me, going through that was very vulnerable for me and I kept thinking that at those times God is really holding us gently, loving us. My heart goes out to you.

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

Rosebud3 — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:36:27 GMT

Dear Gentle Dove,

This is ditto to what I said to Zorean. Educate me as you wish for I have not had your experience.

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

Rosebud3 — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:34:21 GMT

Dear Zorean,

It's hard for me to imagine what you guys went through and how you experience yourself and the world. Perhaps you can educate me. It sounds like it must have been a very strange experience for you

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

in the light — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:58:38 GMT

Gentle Dove - I wholeheartedly agree YES IT CAN BE BLAMED ON RELIGION.

For me personally, I have realized over the last couple of days since my last post is that what is happening for me at the moment is that I have been carrying around a lot of my parent's religious conflicts - my Dad who left CS due to bad childhood experiences and blamed all of the world's ills on any belief in God (ie any God, not just the CS concept of God), and my Mum who agreed to stop going to church when she married my Dad to please him as he was so against religion of any kind. I have been carrying this stuff around for so long, and now it is bursting through to the surface - like a huge black boil which needs to burst in order to be healed. This is in addition to my very profound awareness of God's love and acceptance of me with all my pain, which Zoraean so wonderfully reminded me of. Does any of this sound at all familiar? Please, I would appreciate only experience, or (non CS ) biblical doctrine if anyone wants to reply, as I am feeling quite vulnerable.

in the light

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

Gentle Dove — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 16:41:23 GMT

Rosebud stated, "I think it would be good for people to start taking responsibility for their actions and not just blame it on a religion." A statement such as that is along the same lines as "well, people die when they go to doctors too." Children raised in Christian Science have a very bizzare shared experience and in this case, YES, it CAN BE BLAMED ON RELIGiON. This is not to say that all raised in Christian Science suffered the same problems, or that other religions do not have their problems. Christian Science homes, especially those practicing radical reliance, are not the norm. Therefore, the suttle and overt acts of damage are unique to many of us. Most I assume, would agree that our parents loved us and loved God and were only trying to live up to what they believed was reality. It is the Christian Science brainwashing and denial of reality that is so harmful. This is such a hard issue for many of us because we have lived it. It is hard to read the posts because it brings all that "gunk" up. It is not so simple as to say that we shouldn't "blame it on a religion". If I had been raised by a Methodist mother, I would not have suffered the damage which lives on with me today..both pshychologically as well as physical damage from untreated problems as a child...and I would bet my life that my mother would still be alive if she had been Methodist, or Baptist, or any other religion except Christian Science. She believed Christian Science to the core, read the lesson, class taught, and yes, even understood it. Sadly, it wasn't enough and it killed her and it wasn't a peaceful or dignified death at all.

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

zoarean — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 13:59:39 GMT

[quote][b]Anonymous (6/2/2008)[/b][hr] I don't believe it is in my scope of practice to make any kind of health assessments etc. as an "RN"especially not on line etc. and out of the clinical setting.[/quote]

Yeah, I can understand, with all the lawsuits flying around. But I wasn't really referring to making a diagnosis as much as simply suggesting that someone with "red flag" symptoms see a professional. I got chicken pox as a 14 year old & didn't even realize what I had until 12 years later!

zoarean

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

Rosebud3 — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 10:50:31 GMT

Dear Zorean,

Oops, I think I forgot to log-in again so my post is probably going to come up anonymous but I think you'll know it's from me.

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

zoarean — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 20:04:26 GMT

Rosebud3,

I forgot to say why I particularly appreciate your presence here. Christian Scientists, & ex-CSists as well, have a dearth of knowledge regarding the human body, so I've always thought it would be great if we could have a medical professional reading the posts to alert us to any potential serious health concerns- as they are often a topic.

Again, whether we agree on doctrinal issues or not, I'm glad you're here!

zoarean

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

zoarean — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 19:44:23 GMT

Rosebud3,

Yes, I have read many of your posts. I don't think I've yet extended you the courtesy of personally welcoming you to this site, so before I go any further, let me belatedly say your presence & your thoughts are appreciated here.

I completely concur with the idea of people taking responsibility for their own words & deeds. People who attempt to transfer blame for their own actions are fooling themselves at the least. In danger of receiving God's due judgment at the most. As well as not understanding the very Biblical idea of personal responsibility & repentance.

But I think the first step in the process is understanding the source of personal immorality. There are immoral people in Christian Science, as well as outside CS. I never desire to point the finger of blame at the Christian Scientist as much as I desire to indict the framework of a belief system centered on something other than "Jesus Christ, & Him crucified" (1Cor.2:2). Of course, many may say- "Well, that system of belief was founded by people, wasn't it?" Yes it was, many people- Mary Baker Eddy could not have done it all single-handedly. She, nor any other individual, is not rightfully the bull's-eye for all the ire of hurting ex-CSists.

The main thrust of my point ties into the subject of my first post and a main thrust of Scripture as well- the universality of man's depravity. We've all sinned & fell short of God's glory, so we're all guilty of sin. I can no more shift the blame for my sin to another man than I can fly on my own. But like the snake in the garden, others, Satan included, can draw out the sin that that many times quietly lurks within my soul, exposing it for me to see & forcing me to deal with it in some way. According to Scripture, you are correct- we are in a pretty sorry state.

In Romans, Paul addresses the idea of man's sin again & again- because it is critically important. In chapter three, the "bull's-eye" is placed on all of mankind, but in chapter seven, Paul makes it personal by exposing the reality of his own sinfulness. I believe the Bible drives home the idea of our universal, but personal sin to convict us, & again, drive us to Christ as our only hope. I have no hope of salvation apart from Jesus Christ, for as Gal. 2:21 says "...if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for nothing." If I may, allow me to expand that statement to say- if righteousness comes by any other means, then Christ died for nothing.

I certainly can't say how much God needs Satan, but one thing I'm sure of- according to Scripture, God does use Satan (& mankind as well) to test & reveal our true nature. Adam, Eve, Job, Paul, as well as many others' personal narratives prove out that statement.

zoarean

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

Rosebud3 — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 13:03:04 GMT

Dear Zoarean,

I just was looking over some old drafts and found another of interest. I was pregnant out of wedlock. I was married with my 1 month old baby dressed in my baptism dress. My Aunt and Uncle (the Chiristian Scientists) came to the wedding. I felt absolutely no condemnation from them, only love. My Aunt cradled my daughter through the ceremony and I never heard a peep. My Uncle cradled her on his shoulder throughout the reception and my mother-in-law said "who is that wonderful sensitive man?" He took mostly all of my wedding pictures and I cherish them with love. Now you can see why I've missed him and want so much to understand.

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

Rosebud3 — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 12:22:33 GMT

Dear Zorean,

I am not christian scientist. I am Presbyterian, but I have been studying Science and Health for 2 years because I wanted to understand how my Uncle may have viewed things as a christian scientist. You have probably seen me in the introduction section on grieving. There were a few things in your post I felt I needed to address. This is not a comment on into the light's experience, which is very personal, and not up for any kind of debate. I am happy for into the light.

You talked about children being hapless victims of Christian Science due to emotionally detached adult attempts to deny basic realities of children of christian scientists. I think it would be good for people to start taking responsibility for their actions and not just blame it on a religion. I have experienced denial of basic reality and my human needs not being met or validated repeatedly. I almost died because I'd rather be somewhere else then live a life feeling a denial of my reality. When I was little I visited my Christian Science cousin's home and I sincerely would like to say that she had 2 stuffed animals which she was alowed to keep for a human sense of security even when they needed to be safety pinned together because they were so well worn.(like the velveteen rabbit, even more). We wore life jackets when we went boating etc. and I could go on about many ways human needs were validated.

Speaking of the idea of falling into brokeness, I would think CS would consider that as "mortal man " falling into brokeness and realizing he is not separate from God. And I think in S&H there was something about "Man's extremity is God's opportunity."

In conclusion I don't believe God needs to use Satan to accomplish anything. If God needs Satan, I think we are in a pretty sorry state.

I realize you have had countless more years of CS than me and I don't consider myself CS. Afterall I'm a medical nurse. I just needed to share my thoughts on this.

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

in the light — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 02:25:58 GMT

Zorarean

Thank you so much for your powerful words. You have said it all....

in the light

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

zoarean — Sat, 31 May 2008 08:19:08 GMT

In the Light,

I've re-read through some of your posts & they are testimony to the pain Christian Science is capable of inflicting upon even those who have never personally professed it themselves. As Linda has pointed out, the children of Christian Scientists are its most hapless victims, as they often become mere pawns in emotionally detached adults' attempts to deny basic realities. Back in 2006, you closed your personal story as follows:

[quote][b]in the light (9/28/2006)[/b][hr]Around the same time I also had a beautiful spiritual experience, in which I felt immersed in love - and had the certainty that "nothing could separate me from the love of God in Christ" - that God, through Christ accepted me WITH all my weakness and frailty - no need to run away and hide. I must have heard this intellectually a thousand times - but it has now moved from my head to my heart. After so many years I have been able to stop battling my fear, have been able to name, acknowledge and understand it - the relief is immense. [/quote]

I praise God that you found true healing power in the loving arms of the Person of Jesus Christ.

I was blessed to read this as well...

[quote][b]in the light (1/26/2007)[/b][hr]Spiritually, I feel as if God is actually calling me to fall into brokenness - that the way to receive healing is to encounter and accept the pain in all its depth. Challenging, but when I am able to do this, I feel held by Him, a small child receiving now what I could not then.[/quote]

I often ask people- what do they consider to be the Apostle Paul's greatest gift? He was blessed abundantly to be able to communicate the Gospel of Christ's salvation, the Spirit of God anointed him to perform great miracles, his ministry stretched across numerous cities & hundreds of miles, & he saw Heavenly things too tremendous to describe. But with all that, I think his greatest gift from God was the thorn in the flesh. He wrote concerning it:

"And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure... For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2Cor 12:7,10

Christian Science has come upon many of us as a "calamity" of sorts, but God truly uses all things to work together for those who are called to His purpose (Rom 8:28). Christian Science was not the truth, but it's pain drives many of us towards the truth of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Just as Satan did not desire Paul to be blessed, but God used Satan's animosity to keep Paul humble & near His blessed Son's side.

I promise to pray for you & may God continue to draw you near to Him.

zoarean

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

dawn comes — Sat, 31 May 2008 07:30:07 GMT

Sharon,

I, too, struggle mightily with fear of everything to do with doctor visits and procedures. I have about decided I will live this way the rest of my life. It is far and above my greatest source of anxiety, along with general uneasiness about anything to do with ill health. I also have noticed that I cannot bring myself to ever voice these concerns aloud, and I will go weeks with some symptom without ever mentioning it to my husband. I suppose in some way the old 'don't give it reality' Christian Science tapes are buried in my subconscious.

Much of what Linda describes applies to me, too. The only thing I noticed that is different is that instead of lacking empathy, I am OVERLY empathic. The suffering of others, including animals, always produces in me some low level of anxiety and sadness. This has truly affected my ability to put things of every day life into perspective. It is as if I worry that no one can handle pain or grief or suffering because I don't handle it well.

While you would think that would make me reach out and help people in practical ways, I find that hard to do. I think that is because I never witnessed such caregiving gestures as bringing food to the bereaved, hospital visitations, funeral home calls, etc. We did not 'do' funerals! We ignored the illnesses and accidents that people we cared about endured. My mother said that our highest calling was to 'see them as perfect' not contribute to the belief of error. On an intellectual level, I KNOW it is right to show up at a friend's home after a death. I have a tendency to withdraw awkwardly, and that is partly to protect myself. And that is hardly a Christian way to love others.

I want to say, too, that it was very hard to live with the expectation that I, as a child, could see my way out of the manifestations of 'mortal mind' when my mother very obviously never experienced her own healings. I cannot tell you how unsettling that was to me.

To this day, I cannot read the Bible or my daily devotionals when I am ill. For some reason every thought about God when I am ill makes me feel sicker. That is so sad to me. I just have awful memories of being stuck in bed with 'the books', suffering and reading Science and Health, or having all of that confusing rhetoric read aloud to me....while feverish, full of pain and suffering and despair. I would be so full of longing to be well again, and the feeling inside would be so dark and so hopeless...because hearing over and over again that this was all an illusion never brought one moment's relief from suffering. It took me years to even be able to pray without associating it with sickness!

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

SharonMarie — Fri, 30 May 2008 16:13:13 GMT

Linda,

Thank you for the very thorough post about the emotional damage done to many of us as the children of Christian Science. I think your comment about feeling alone touched me. I never was allowed to discuss any problem or any illness. The reply to me was just to "know the truth" and I would get over it. And the fear of going to the doctor stays with me to this day. I remember reading Fraser's book where she said that her friends all had memories of staying home from school when they were sick. They were tucked into bed, given books to read and loving mothers who checked their temperatures etc. I was forced to go to school sick and if I threw up and my mother was called, she would be angry when she picked me up.

It's such an emotionally abusive way to bring up a child and continues to touch our lives even after we leave the church. In my life, it reflects in my inability to acknowledge my own weaknesses and the weakness or illness of others. I simply have no empathy for anyone's illness or bad fortune, including my own. Underneath it all, I still feel that whatever happpens is my fault or the fault of others thought process. And even though I know that is not true, it doesn't stop that voice inside my head from saying "straighten up your thinking".

As to the refusal to allow grief, I also struggle with that. I can cry when someone I love dies, but then I expect myself to just "get over it". I remember when my grandmother died when I was eight years old and the only way I knew about it was hearing my mother call an old friend as I hid on the stairs. Otherwise, it was never mentioned. My mother was my grandmother's only child and it was as if she never existed.

These things hang on and even though many of us can acknowlege the long term psychological effects, still acknowledging and changing are two different things. Myself, I am angry at what I endured, as you said feeling "alone".

sharon

RE: Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

Rosebud3 — Fri, 30 May 2008 12:32:28 GMT

Dear Linda,

It breaks my heart to read these things. I was going to be raised a Christian Scientist because it was my father's belief system, but then he had an allergic reaction to something and was in an iron lung in Korea so he decided against it. There is a lot of the issue of lack of emotional presence in my family now and many generations back. It is hard to form a healthy and well defined character without that, as I am sure you know. If God wants to be with us, bring us into the fold, He must want us to be present for each other. That is one of the things I did love about my nursing career. I think Christian Science does give a sense of a security blanket, a safe nest especially to people who have had lack of support and serious hardship. What comes after that I'm not sure.

Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection

Linda — Thu, 29 May 2008 21:44:35 GMT

Several threads have touched on the emotional difficultites that many Christian Science children experience, so I thought it might be helpful to start a thread dedicated to how Christian Science affects children. Several years ago I gave an hour-long talk entitled Children in Christian Science: The Perils of Perfection. I'll post an excerpt below:

Christian Science children must live with a belief system that tells them that their bodies, and the world around them, are not real. This is an abstract concept, difficult for a child to understand. It can produce both guilt and confusion in a child who feels pain but must deny it and who must learn to reinterpret events that seem very real.

Janet describes her confusion:

“I was sitting in a Sunday School class at a table by the window. I remember my teacher saying that the table we were sitting at was unreal and only an illusion. So was the tree outside the window. I remember thinking that they look pretty real to me, but that I better not tell anyone what I was thinking or they would think I was spiritually inferior.”[i]

In her book, Blue Windows: A Christian Science Childhood, Barbara Wilson also comments on the denial of reality that Janet described, and she brings up an interesting irony:

“But I did know, without understanding, that you had to have a thing in front of you to realize that it was not really a thing. You had to see a bird to know it wasn’t there.”[ii]

Christian Science teaches that the bird will seem real as long as we believe in a material world. Most children recognize that they haven’t overcome their belief in matter, so they sit at their non-existent tables and climb those trees that, in God’s true creation, are merely an illusion. But a lot of them experience the confusion that Janet and Barbara described. Somewhere, deep inside, there’s a conflict that they may or may not recognize – and would probably deny – if you mentioned it. It’s difficult to embrace your humanity, or yourself, when you can’t accept that you have a body. I experienced that conflict. I would have laughed at the suggestion of an internal struggle if you had mentioned it to me while I was in Christian Science. But my conflict became clear after I left the group and, with great effort, I had to give myself permission to have a body.

As I said before, Christian Science children often feel guilty when they are sick or injured. These feelings are spawned not only by Christian Science doctrine, but also, frequently, by well-meaning caregivers. Some children are scolded and even punished for becoming ill or for not being able to heal themselves. Others are left alone and frightened while their parents go into another room to pray. Some are given the option of medical care, but with guilt or fear attached.

· Carolyn went through a series of severe ear infections at the age of seven. As she sat on her mother’s lap and cried in pain, her mother told her that earaches were “not real, because god didn’t make them.” Carolyn was treated by a Christian Science practitioner rather than with antibiotics – and went deaf. Then her mother told her, “If you would be more loving, you could hear.” Carolyn later said, “That made me feel like I was the worst, most evil person in the world because no matter how hard I tried to ‘be loving,’ good, and nice, I couldn’t hear.”[iii]

· Beth put her hand through a glass door and cut it to the bone, leaving her fourth finger hanging backwards. Her mother, a Christian Science practitioner, blamed the accident on Beth’s “evil thoughts.” She told Beth to raise the bleeding hand above her head and commanded her not to faint. After driving an hour toward home, Beth’s mother stopped at a pay phone and spent another thirty minutes consulting with a practitioner friend. Beth sat in the car as the women talked – alone, bleeding, frightened, and in pain. Beth’s mother finally decided to have a doctor bandage the hand in a cupped position to stop the bleeding. There were no stitches or painkillers. She then became angry when Beth needed help getting dressed because of the bandage.[iv]

· In her article, “Suffering Children and the Christian Science Church,” Caroline Fraser describes her difficulties with repeated carsickness as a young child. She would desperately try to heal herself but would invariably throw up anyway – at which point her father would yell, “you’re going to have to learn not to do that!”[v]

· One little girl was dying of untreated throat cancer and couldn’t swallow properly because of the lump in her throat. Her mother forced her to eat anyway and punished her for throwing up.

· Lisa’s family refused to acknowledge that she was dying of cystic fibrosis. She was never given the emotional support that any human being would need under the circumstances. A few days before her death she was still being propped up at the dinner table, semi-conscious, so that her family could eat together.

· Mary stepped on a needle that broke off and left a one-inch segment in her foot. Her mother offered to have it removed by a doctor but made the offer with the frightening statement, “We can take you to the doctor and he’ll take a knife and cut it out, or we can ‘know the Truth’ about it.” Mary had never heard of anesthetics and imagined a wild man slicing into her foot, so she opted for knowing the Truth. She continues, “So for a week or two I limped around…while the needle worked its way from near my toes to eventually come out at the heel. I was called to the phone every day or so to talk to a practitioner who assured me that there was no reality to the situation....”

The cases I have discussed bring up a serious issue that undermines the self-confidence and emotional health of many Christian Science children – the need for validation. The gut-level desire for one’s emotions, senses, and needs to be taken seriously. Just watch a group of young children on a playground if you want to understand the importance of validation. When children hurt themselves, they run to their parents to have the pain acknowledged. Often a child simply shows the bump to her mother, receives a kiss and some loving words regarding the injury, and then happily returns to her game. The love and kiss cannot heal the bump, but they are so important to the child that she will often cry and act hurt until she receives them. This desire to have pain acknowledged is almost universal among children and adults. Christian Scientists deprive themselves and their children of this basic human need because they cannot admit that pain is real. I have discussed the validation issue with a number of people who grew up in Christian Science and have seen many of them reduced to tears as they think about their own experience.

Children can suffer emotional neglect even if they don’t go through blatantly abusive situations like the ones I have just described. My parents were very open to discussing my problems, and I knew that they loved me unconditionally. But whenever we would discuss a physical problem I was having, my father would end the conversation with “but we know that this is no part of you.” (In other words, we know that the “real you” isn’t having a problem.) With that well-meaning statement, any gut level validation I had received would vanish. It took me years to figure out why, deep down inside, I felt so horribly alone.

Aside from their own pain, Christian Science children must often endure the prolonged suffering of loved ones without having any means of expressing or understanding their emotions. They know that illness is “wrong.” They cannot ask questions about it lest they make it harder to heal, so are left with no good way to deal with their fears. People often die without explanation, and children are left with lingering questions about what happened. And when their loved ones die, they don’t know how – or are often not allowed – to grieve.

Suzanne recalls how her grandfather was kept on a cot in the basement when he developed open, rotting sores – one of which ate a hole through his cheek so that she could see his teeth, tongue, and jaw. He died when she was eight years old, but she was not allowed to grieve.[vi]

Despite the confusion, guilt, and poor validation, Christian Science children often lead happy lives because their religion teaches them to be optimistic and to see themselves as spiritually perfect, religiously superior, and able to overcome life’s “seeming” trials. They are taught to live simultaneously in two realities; they play, eat, and experience the ups and downs of life in the physical illusion around them while metaphysically filtering out the unpleasant aspects of their lives. In other words, they learn to live with selective denial and to consciously internalize only the good in life. That works to a point, but Christian Scientists often grow up with insecurities and emotional scars that could have been avoided by acknowledging and dealing with life’s problems as they arose instead of brushing them under the metaphysical rug. Some people struggle with the scars for a lifetime without understanding their origin. Others never recognize the damage, but it leaks out in the form of insecurity, a general lack of empathy, and emotional difficulties such as misplaced anger. I’ve seen this in many people – including the ones who swear that Christian Science didn’t harm them.

In my case, I led a happy childhood and then experienced tremendous emotional fallout after leaving Christian Science and beginning to examine my past without any metaphysical filters. I had to sort through a lifetime of confused and angry emotions, dealing with events ranging from minor inconveniences to major traumas. I was truly surprised at the intensity of my anger over certain events, and am convinced that they would have been less traumatic if I had been allowed to deal with them as they happened, instead of years later and with a mass of other memories.

[i] Linda S. Kramer, The Religion That Kills – Christian Science: Abuse, Neglect, and Mind Control (Lafayette, LA: Huntington House Publishers, 2000), 153.

[ii] Barbara Wilson, Blue Windows: A Christian Science Childhood (New York: Picador USA, 1997), 72.

[iii] Caroline Fraser, God’s Perfect Child, 320-1.

[iv] Linda S. Kramer, The Religion That Kills, 156-7.

[v] Caroline Fraser, “Suffering Children and the Christian Science Church,” The Atlantic Monthly (April 1995).

[vi] Linda S. Kramer, The Religion That Kills, 157-8.