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RE: Anger & sadness

Linda — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 17:04:16 GMT

Polarbear,

I'm glad you have such a good situation with your therapist. That is, indeed, a blessing.

Although like you I'm not a person who makes a practice of swearing, I recall doing a fair amount of it during some strategic moments when I was going through therapy. Sometimes those words were what really expressed what I needed to say. Now I look at people who routinely swear and wonder what they say when they REALLY need to express that kind of emotion -- they have "wasted" those words on simple crudeness and verbal laziness.

CS does set kids up for some emotional deprivation, even in the best of circumstances. You had much more than the usual dose. My heart and prayers are with you.

RE: Anger & sadness

zoarean — Sun, 17 Jun 2007 20:37:17 GMT

Linda,

A powerful witness to the unseen animosities many apparently are burdened with long after their departure from CS. Also a testimony to a purpose for this forum. I see what you meant when you said this in the "Preach Law or Grace" post:

"I recognized my sinful nature when I confessed my need for the Savior, but I didn't really comprehend the depths of my sinful nature until I dug up some major anger and resentment in context of some post-CS therapy. I was really shocked to see just how ugly I was inside, but that recognition made God's grace incredibly sweet."

My favorite category is the "Doctrinal & Bible Related Issues" folder, as my main issue as an ex-CSist is to root out any malignant bad theology still inhabiting my soul; for me, this is the greatest value of this site. Yes, there are thousands of sites which properly instruct us in doctrine, but this is the only one I know of that that fully understands CS theology as it instructs. To me, that's an important distinction.

With that said, as I read testimonies such as your's & Polar Bear's, I see the need for many to explore the depths of their emotions in order to expunge the agony of their CS experience & heal the wounds; I agree this site should minister to that need as well.

Polar Bear,

"In my family if I expressed anger in typical childhood ways I was chastised and told to see myself as God's perfect child who isn't angry. My response was to "stuff" the anger."

Though God's Spirit is moving me towards opening up & expressing emotions for the first time in my life, I have generally assumed repressing emotion was simply the result my largely German ancestry. But the more I read of CSists & ex-CSists with like difficulties in showing emotion, the more I think the cause could be environmental as well.

I formerly thought that being emotionally detached was a help in my walk with the Lord, for I could see & understand without the "cloud" of emotion. But God's Word reproved me by showing me that God's only perfect "child"-His Son Jesus Christ- was in fact quite capable of not only feeling but even freely displaying emotion:

"Mary therefore, when she came to where Jesus was, and saw Him, fell down at his feet, saying to him, "Lord, if you would have been here, my brother wouldn’t have died." When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews weeping who came with her, He was deeply moved, and was troubled, and said, "Where have you laid him?" They told Him, "Lord, come and see." Jesus wept. The Jews therefore said, "See how much affection He had for him!" Some of them said, "Couldn’t this man, who opened the eyes of him who was blind, have also caused that this man wouldn’t die?" Jesus therefore, again deeply moved, came to the tomb…" John 11:32-38

If public expression of emotion is no sin for the perfect One, then who am I to hold back for the sake of (false) piety?

zoarean

RE: Anger & sadness

Linda — Sat, 16 Jun 2007 21:11:13 GMT

Polarbear,

It's normal for the anger to come out and for it to be surprisingly intense and even overwhelming. I had a loving family and a basically happy childhood despite some major glitches that I had to work through in therapy, so I was surprised by the intensity of the anger that finally came to the surface. Part of the problem was that my CS way of thinking had never allowed me to properly process emotions and events as a child. When I started to recognize and work through the issues as an adult, they all started coming to the surface and I had to face a lifetime of significant events. For a while things became so intense that my anger overwhelmed my good memories; as I worked through the anger the balance finally returned. Now most of the things that caused anger are more memories than feelings. A therapist drew the analogy to physical scars after a wound has healed; the scar is evidence that there was a wound, but the wound doesn't hurt anymore.

I don't know if I have described this event before on the forums, but I'll share it with you now. In 1995 I spent a couple of weeks at the [url=http://www.wellspringretreat.org/]Wellspring Retreat and Resource Center,[/url] a counseling facility for people who have been in cults, cultic relationships, and "high demand" groups of various sorts. I went there because I was feeling extreme and unrelenting anxiety that I knew was related to my background in CS and was looking for help in understanding how CS had affected me. One of my symptoms was what I can only describe as "a scream inside my head." It had been there for a very long time; I had no idea what it was or what was causing it.

The counseling sessions lasted two hours every day in addition to daily workshops, so we had time to really get into some of my issues. The first few days we explored some basic issues that came to mind and didn't necessarily involve CS, but on the third or fourth day I started describing the thinking processes involved in CS. All of a sudden I started screaming uncontrollably. It went on for several minutes and was REALLY intense (you "had to be there"...:)). The counselor said what he saw was a perfect blending of two emotions -- "I'm ANGRY" and "This [CS] is driving me CRAZY!!!" When it was all over I noticed the most amazing thing -- the "scream" was gone. I suspect this actually represents the release of a longstanding tension, but it was an amazing sensation. I never felt the "scream in my head" again.

I told you this story to encourage you to go through your discovery process rather than being afraid of it. I think a lot of people have trouble working through their anger because they refuse to fully recognize and work through it -- they think it's just too scary or too painful, or they refuse to share something like sexual abuse with a male counselor because they were sexually abused by a male. Many people simply don't have a "safe" environment in which to allow the anger to surface. I doubt, for example, whether my screaming episode could have occurred in a counseling office located in an office building where the walls are fairly thin and I would have been aware of "neighbors" wondering what was going on and thinking about the crazy lady in the shrink's office. Wellspring provided an incredibly private environment where anyone within earshot would "understand" and not be worried or judgmental. (OK, the dog outside didn't understand and started barking...):D But the screaming episode provided insight into my issues that was crucial to my recovery process.

I don't know if what I'm sharing is helpful. I want to put my arms around you and let you know that the freedom you are seeking is well worth the effort you are going through.

RE: Anger & sadness

polarbear — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 09:25:50 GMT

When I first posted over 2 years ago I said I was sad and angry about the pain CS caused me. I've worked a whole lot on the sadness and have made great progress. Now I'm working through my anger and it's scary! In my family if I expressed anger in typical childhood ways I was chastised and told to see myself as God's perfect child who isn't angry. My response was to "stuff" the anger.

The only way I saw adults express anger was silence. There were days when my dad didn't speak to me at all. I didn't think he loved me and usually I didn't even know why he was angry.

I'm finally letting myself feel angry and sometimes it's overwhelming. In addition to being angry about the events of my childhood (the death of my mom & brother and sexual abuse by my dad & brother) I'm furious about the brainwashing I received in CS. I'm working with an excellent therapist who understands the effect CS has had on me but I'd like to hear from people who know first hand what it's like.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Polarbear

Anonymous — Tue, 24 May 2005 06:09:12 GMT

Polarbear:

I'm glad you found this website. I too grew up in CS, and have been sorting through all the emotional garbage the last few years. There is light at the end of the tunnel - the real Truth. Keep on looking for it, and praying for it. I find that when I pray for the Truth to be revealed, God is faithful and patient in revealing it.
Amazing how we learn to deny in CS - we can deny just about everything. I'm willing to listen - stsuz@hotmail.com

stsuz

polarbear — Mon, 23 May 2005 16:28:52 GMT

Thank you, Susan, Grace, Frogs, and Marion for your welcomes, prayers, and thoughts. I continue to struggle with the pain of realizing how much CS has affected my life and my thoughts. God has been so gracious to me, to lead me out of deception and into the real Truth, Jesus Christ. I am so thankful for that. At the same time, I feel overwhelmed with sadness right now. If there's anyone who would be willing to correspond with me by email, especially someone who was brought up in CS, I would love to hear from you. I really need support now. My Christian counselor, my husband and my friends are very loving and willing to listen, but they really can't understand what I'm going through. My email is jile@localnet.com

Thank you!
Polarbear

Spring — Mon, 23 May 2005 08:24:39 GMT

Dear Polarbear,

Welcome to this forum!

Unfortunately, CS accounts for many emotional issues! Although I didn't suffer from medical neglect and, having found CS as an adult, don't have family members or friends who died from it, but I did find CS at a time when things from an abusive past came up. Instead of understanding my problems and getting the proper treatment, I tried to handle these matters in CS.

In fact, it made them a lot worse! Something which I understood only some time after I had left CS and started treatment and especially Christian counseling (which worked miracles for me!).

I think the biggest problem is that, as a CSist, you are constantly called to deny what is real, and your real feelings, and instead see "the reality of the spiritual universe". It could probably turn someone to kind of narcissistic behaviour (where people live up to an image of themselves and try to hide their true selves, and where feelings are controlled / hid).

What - apart from professional help, of course - helped me considerably was e.g. Linda Kramer's book "The Religion that kills" - it shows why CS is a cult, to understand that God created me exactly as I am and that I don't have to hide any of my personality, and this website

Marion

frogs25 — Fri, 20 May 2005 21:08:32 GMT

PolarBear,
Go read my last post in the "what sparked your change" topic. Yeah, after reading it you will discover that one major aspect of CS makes me feel angry and sad. Angry because of the result of CS restrictions, and sad, well because I never new her. But guess what, those were the previous chapters in my life, this forum has become the preface to a new book. I hope you will find it as helpful as I have!

Frogs
RiBiT rIbiT

Anonymous — Fri, 20 May 2005 18:52:53 GMT

Dear polarbear,

Just want to add my welcome to Susan's and let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers also. May you feel yourself wrapped in God's love and remember that you are ever so precious to Him!

-- Grace

Susan — Fri, 20 May 2005 16:56:14 GMT

Hi polarbear,

I haven't been to this site in a few months until tonight. Welcome. You've come to the right place. I am sorry to hear about your losses and all the pain you are dealing with. I haven't had any of the same problems, but are those here who have. I'm grateful to hear that you are having help in therapy to deal with the problems and delayed pain. God loves you, polarbear. Your tears are part of the healing. We will keep you in our prayers.

Blessings,
Susan

Anger & sadness

polarbear — Fri, 20 May 2005 15:11:09 GMT

Hi, this is my first time posting so forgive me if I don't do it right! I was a CSt for 25 years, didn't practice any faith for a few years, and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior 25 years ago. Even though I've been out of CS for many years, I'm just now understanding the emotional damage I suffered because of it. A few days ago I took a letter written by my CS aunt to my therapist and read it to her. She said "This explains a whole lot about the issues you're working on." I found this website and was so amazed at how much I identified with some of the posts I've read. Right now I'm feeling angry and sad at the losses in my life caused by CS: my mom's death from untreated high blood pressure when I was 9, my brother's suicide because his emotional problems were ignored when I was 11, not to mention the lack of recognition of my feelings, hurts, and illness and my blaming myself for EVERYTHING! For the past 2 days I've pretty much been crying all day. I hope some of you who identify with this can help me. Thank you!

polarbear