 Posted Monday, January 02, 2006 7:59 PM
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Never been to an AA meeting but I understand that's how one introduces oneself!  I found this forum quite by chance and have been reading posts all afternoon. Figured I may as well tell my story and see what happens.
I was raised in CS but never really ever understood it's teachings. My younger brother and I attended SS every Sunday with our parents attending the "grown-ups" service. We were even taken on Wednesday evenings where we were left in the care of Mrs. Laird at the church nursery! As I got older Mrs Laird still kept an eye on me while I did my homework out in the Sunday school room. I'm 51 years old and still to this day remember those boring two days of the week. Dad, I know now, only went because of Mom who is still a Journal listed practitioner after forty plus years. Dad left the church after he and Mom divorced some twenty years ago and my brother left seven years ago, much to the disappointment of Mom. I, on the other hand being the rebellious teen I was, quit attending church at age 16. However, since CS was all I had ever known, I tended to call on Mom when "the need arose." That came to a dead halt in 1981 when I suffered a ruptured appendix. I remember asking my wife at the time to call Mom. She came over and was sitting on the bed with me "knowing the truth" while I was screaming out in agony. Our neighbor, who worked in a Dr's office, came over to check on me. She took one look at me and called her boss. He told her to get me to the ER immediately and he would meet us there. I agreed to go and will never forget the look on Mom's face. She had dissapointment in her eyes, but did not attempt to stop me. The neighbor took me to the ER where her boss was waiting. He ordered immediate emergency surgery to remove the ruptured appendix. I spent 10 days in ICU recovering from an illness that would have surely killed me had I not received the help I needed when I did. Mom never visited me in the hospital and never mentioned the insident again. That single incident convinced me that CS was not the way to go but talk about a guilt trip I've indured for years!
Though the guilt has subsided over the years, it has been replaced with resentment and anger. At 14 my grandmother "passed away" and I never really knew what killed her until recently. She died of uterus cancer while under CS treatment. She opted for medical treatment towards the end, but it was too late. The same happened to my beloved aunt, Mom's only sister. She died of breast cancer five years ago while under CS treatment. She too opted for medical care much too late. Mom said she didn't have to die and I'm thinking, you know, your absolutely right...she didn't have to and wouldn't have had she received proper care. Now I'm dealing with the possibility I may never see Mom again. She checked herself into a CS nursing facility four weeks ago with a "problem" I have since learned she has had for some time now. Of course, she won't speak to me but does talk with my brother almost daily. However all he can get out of her is that the staff is "taking care of me." We do know she has "let go" her long time friend and practitioner and replaced her with "someone closer to the area." What difference is that supposed to make? She let her go because it isn't working so now Mom is seeking help from another who can't do anymore than the first. I now carry the date of Dec. 3, 2005 as possibly being the last day I saw my mom alive.
I'm glad to see the number of CS members declining. Too bad Mom has to die to further that decline.
Thank you for letting me vent. I'll be back to vent some more as the memories emerge.
Jim
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Posted Monday, January 02, 2006 8:09 PM
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Hi Jim!
Welcome to the forum. Sounds like we're the same generation.
Though Linda doesn't like the title of her book, it is often accurate. I pray that Dec 3, 2005 is not as significant a date as you fear.
Do Go Be Man
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Posted Tuesday, January 03, 2006 11:32 AM
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"Mom never visited me in the hospital and never mentioned the insident again."
Jim:
Thank you for posting with us and welcome!!!
I can really identify with the story about your appendix!!! My father, a soloist, had a burst appendix when I was 3. He waited two days before my mother (non CS) finally convinced him to let her call an ambulance. Surgery was the only thing that saved his life. If she hadn't, I would have grown up fatherless. Although I was too young to remember all but my dad being home ill(vaguely), the incident was madening upon reflection ijn later years. My dad almost died, and for what? Too illustrate the "truth" of a belief system that is totally false.
You didn't share with us where you are spiritually at the moment. (and if you prefer not to that's OK). I was just curious if you ended up in another church, etc.
Again, welcome, and thanks for sharing.
John
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Posted Tuesday, January 03, 2006 11:34 AM
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Welcome to the forum, Jim!
I'm sooooo glad that you got the help you needed with your ruptured appendix, and am sorry that your grandmother and aunt did not survive their attempts at CS healing.
Like Do Go Be Man, I pray that Dec 3, 2005 will not turn out to be a significant day.
Linda
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Posted Wednesday, January 04, 2006 7:50 PM
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Hi Jim,
Thanks for sharing. It's nice to hear from others with similar issues. I left CS about 6 years ago but my parents are very much still involved and daily read the "lesson" for the week. I can't get over how blinding the religion is. My grandma was placed in a CS nursing facility about a week before Christmas this year. She does not want any visitors but my parents are allowed to see her. I get so mad when I think how preventable her illness could have been. She is not able to walk due to a previous injury and my grandpa could not lift her anymore so they decided the facility would be a good place. I truly hope you are able to see your mom again and I hope I will see my grandma again.
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Posted Thursday, January 05, 2006 11:02 AM
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Welcome Jim!
Although I'm 25yrs younger than you, I totally relate to what you have posted. I find it ironic that a majority of people on this forum are older, when to much of my perception I'd imagine the older folk to be stuck to the CS religion like glue. I am so glad that you have come to this forum, as each person that shares contributes greatly to emotional support to all members here. Right now I am kind of in this limbo of speaking various spiritual understandings gained through CS upbringing and trying to figure out the importance of Jesus. I feel right now very disconnected, but yet at the same time, not wanting to do anything church related. This limbo is very strange. Because on one hand, I've got the spiritual background, and I have a friend of mine I am able to share this with, but on the other hand, I feel distant from the whole spiritual thing because I feel like I need to discard the "Mrs. Eddy" spiritualness, and begin learning my own spiritualness. It's hard to explain.
You'll get to know me better as you read my posts, but I look forward to reading yours.
BTW, I've been to an AA meeting because one of my friends is now 2yrs sober, and if you have the opportunity to go to an AA meeting, (which I would have never done if I were still CS) You should go and experience it. The meetings I've been to were helpful to me even though I'm not an alcoholic.
Frogs25
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Posted Thursday, January 05, 2006 11:20 AM
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Now that I am living on my own and with my stb husband, I no longer call my mother when "the need arose", however, I do call her for prayerful support, as she is a practitioner, but I do not describe to her the details or the situation that needs handling. This is because I know that she can pray on her own terms and thing good thoughts with out her laying on me specific truths from S&H. She is always willing to do this for me, and I can now that she is supporting prayerfully. As she is my step-mother and we don't have the best relationship, I rarely call her anymore for this kind of service. I have become quite confident that Doctors are skilled and know what they are doing. Any prayers, CS or not, are productive and purposeful.
Just wanted to add this
Frogs25
Fully Relying On God for Salvation
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Posted Thursday, January 05, 2006 12:31 PM
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Jim, feel free to vent here all you want. Your story is so familiar to most of us. I understand exactly what you mean when you say the guilt was replaced by anger and resentment. I hope your mom comes out of this and you have many more years to spend with her.
Before my mom died ( practitioner who died of cancer which had been present for nearly five years and never treated), she told me "Don't feel guilty if I don't make it. You could never have talked me into getting medical treatment." I hang on to that. Even though I knew it to be true, she helped me by stating it aloud. I think my non-CS father was just racked with guilt over not trying to force her to see a doctor. It is just that through all the years of their marriage, she had never faced anything that was actually life-threatening. She had many health problems that never "yielded", but he had never felt as if he should push it as long as she could live with her own discomforts. However, we all knew that this was the life she had chosen, and if we had tried to push her it would have caused such ill will and still would have been pointless. We still struggled with it for years, but have learned to let it go.
My mother died at home after being in a coma for six days with no one to care for her but her husband and two daughters still in their twenties. Her CS "nurse" had basically abandoned us. I will always think of that long week with those awful cassette tapes of "Science and Health" and MBE hymns playing softly from the table next to her bed as one of the most nightmarish times in my life.
I hope you can find some peace.
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Posted Friday, January 06, 2006 6:43 PM
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Dear Jim,
I have a hunch many of us have been rejected in one way or another by our family because we are no longer CS. Years and years ago, my father underwent skin cancer surgery and I was never told a thing about it until after his surgery. My "thought" would have been too disruptive for him to deal with at the time. I genuinely think that it is a totally impersonal thing. They do it out of self defense.
I think the fear some of us have (like me) a quite legitimate fear that if we ruffle the CS feathers we will be swiftly and permanently kicked out of the relationship on our nether regions.
Do you ever wonder if your mother was willing to sacrifice your life on her altar to CS?
This was one of the hardest issues I deal(t) with when coming out of CS. I think we all fear the answer is yes. For years I wondered if my mother really loved me because she was willing to make her children sacrifice so much for CS. I eventually came to feel that she probably couldn't really love anyone the way I wanted her to. Then I finally came to realize that people love the way they love and it is their problem and not a reflection on me. That took a long, long time and more than a few 50 minute hours talking to people who get paid to listen, but it was worth the effort at getting to that space. There are many folks on this web site who have made that journey and are here to support you.
Broncho
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Posted Friday, January 06, 2006 7:13 PM
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