 Posted Sunday, July 09, 2006 4:24 PM
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It was with much interest that I found this site and forum.....and I believe that my discovery is without a doubt a God thing......I'm born again, having received Jesus Christ as my personal savior in 1986.
I am ex-CS, raised in the CS "church" via my mother; Dad was Methodist and took me to church with him sometimes. (For those who have posted in the Prin section, I'm US '69 and College '73.)
My mother is currently in a CS nursing care facility, after suffereing from what we think were a series of ministrokes on the 4th & 5th of July. Of course no diagnosis has been made.
What has been brought to a head over the last few days is my family's recognition that I have been acting in ways that show that I still am under the influence of the CS junk in my way of looking at things. It is hard to explain, other than I realize that I still am stuck with some of the "nothing in this world is real" dogma of the CS teaching. Many things have become clear to me and my family the past couple of days, prompted by my mother's sickness. (yes, she is sick! It's real, and she can't walk!) My daughter found an article on CS and why it is so wrong. This has lead to her and my wife's understanding that my harmful behavior has been a result of my CS background.
I have not "practiced" CS since my early teen years, if I ever really did... But the insidious doctrination of the "nothing material is real" and other ridiculous ideas still are embedded in me. I suppose I outwardly look like the CS is gone, but beneath the surface it's still there. It's down in there and I want it gone!
I want to find a counselor experienced in working with ex-cult members. Any help in that direction would be appreciated. I would like to interact with folks who have dealt (or are dealing) with a cleansing process.
Guess that's enough to start. I've enjoyed reading around the forum. Will continue to do so. (Just registered, so don't have my pw yet for full login)
Thanks for reading this......
stillhurting
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Posted Sunday, July 09, 2006 5:09 PM
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Just got my pw, signed in and subscribed to my thread
God Bless you all........
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Posted Monday, July 10, 2006 2:01 AM
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Welcome Stillhurting, it's good you found this forum!
I am sure reading the many posts will help you very much in "unlearning" CS. It's a task that takes time, and if you've grown up a CSist probably longer than had you found it at some point in your life as an adult - which still takes time.
Marion
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Posted Monday, July 10, 2006 6:59 AM
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Stillhurting,
I know exactly how you feel......you are a true actor, playing a dual role. Putting on the CS face is in you, just like small remnants remain within my system as well. I played CS real well, thinking the whole time growing up I was reallly trying to practice CS while a small snagging thread kept me questioning, "something is not quite right." growing up in a CS household is sheltered, and I wonder in your case if because you dad was of a different faith, if that somewhat opened your mind to recognize that reality is REAL?
I'd imagine it would be toughest for children growing up is a mixed religion such as CS and Catholic. or CS and Methodist.....etc. I knew a family that had mom as CS and dad as Catholic, and they have two kids, and for the most part they attended CS services, and occasionally went to Catholic services. Man that must be really confusing! I'm so sorry.......
I would suggest delving deep into the "Recovery and Health Issues", this is where I have in the past spent a lot of time communicating and expressing my feelings, as I was in the early stages of coming out of CS.
Now i don't feel like I am playing the dual role as much, however, if I have a headache, cramps, or allergies, I am still reluctant at first to take some medicine to alleviate symptoms.
I hope that you may find refuge and comfort here as I have, and feel free to post any sort of topic any time. I occasionally post topics of fustration at times......it is completely normal in the healing process.
toodles,
Frogs
prin grad 02'
Fully Relying On God for Salvation
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Posted Monday, July 10, 2006 7:27 PM
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Still Hurting,
I am new to this site too.
3rd generation cs with now deceased practitioner aunt, grandmother and mother-in-law.
I am sorry for what you and your mother are going through.
Although I left cs in early 80s and felt that I was out of the woods so to speak- I witnessed the death of a 49 year sister 2 years ago who neglected herself medically and died of a treatable condition.
I am regretful I did not do more to try to get my sister out of denial sooner. The last months of her life she was persuaded to get help but ultimately it was too late.
Another cs relative died recently ...she was elderly but I suspect she might have lived longer with medical intervention.
My mother left diabetes untreated until blind and near death...She did at the last minute go to the hospital and her life was spared.
It is difficult to deal with illness, aging and death in normal circumstances. When the 'radical reliance' dogma is in play it is very confusing and complicated to cope. I have been very saddened by my relatives 'choices'. So unnecessary and tragic and the cause of much pain and sorrow for everyone in the family.
I never had 'cult' therapy but regular therapy and understanding the dysfunctional family dynamics of my childhood helped me sort through it all.
I encourage you to get professional help. I don't know if 'recovery' from a cs childhood is a go it alone proposition. It wasn't for me. It has and is still taking much time.
Camille
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Posted Wednesday, July 12, 2006 8:41 AM
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| Welcome to the forums, stillhurting! I hope that we will be an encouragement to you as you work through your issues.
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Posted Thursday, July 13, 2006 8:47 AM
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Thank you to all who have taken the time to reply! I must say that I have been taking some time each day to read parts of this forum. I appreciate all the threads. It is helpful to know that I am not "alone" in my quest for freedom from the CS dogma......
I'm still "processing" all of the information I've read here.....might take some time...LOL
I imagine I'll be back soon with some specific questions.
Until then, may God's Grace touch you all, through our Savior Jesus Christ.
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Posted Monday, July 17, 2006 7:51 PM
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Stillhurting and Camille,
Both of your posts really speak to me. We do carry this baggage, but I believe with self-awareness, study of the Bible, and some help from other folks here who have overcome the life of "denial", we can do it.
I too watched my sister die, not because she didn't have medical help, because she did, but because she too carried the baggage of denial and didn't do anything to take care of her illness. I don't think she ever really believed it could kill her.
My mother allowed a breast tumor to get so large it was bigger than her breast before she would do anything. It, of course, eventually killed her.
I don't know what cult counseling would do. I often wish someone would set up some actual support groups (like AA ), for ex CSists.
I would travel quite a few miles just to meet with such a group once a month or so!
Sharon
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Posted Tuesday, July 18, 2006 2:08 AM
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SharonMarie,
The ex-CSists in the UK meet once a year, and do a lot to bring people in personal contact with each other. Haven't been able to go yet because of either lack of time or money or both. In Germany there's nothing of that kind, but then just very few CSists at all and only very rarely a family with generations of CSists so it is a lot more difficult for CSists to separate themselves from other people and public pressure for them to seek medical help and personal (i.e. financial) pressure to go to a hospital which is paid for by the sickness insurance which every one is more or less forced to have and this includes medical treatment if you wish to stay, instead of one of the two or so nursing homes which they'd have to pay for from their own pocket and is rather unaffordable to most, at least for longer stretches of time. That takes lots of the peak problems you know from the US.
And for their children parents must seek medical help, they can only avoid vaccinations which are voluntary. Agree it still makes a difference whether parents will provide for everything which is highly recommended for their kids from a medical point of view or will stick to the minimum they must do, but that's already a lot. I remember with regards to the many compromises CSists had to make in this country, many church members wished it were easier like in the US. But then, here CS is so unknown that, if you mention it most people understand "oh, Scientology??"
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Posted Tuesday, July 18, 2006 5:20 PM
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I often wish someone would set up some actual support groups (like AA ), for ex CSists.
Actually, CHILD, Inc. sponsors a support group meeting one weekend per year for its members who have CS backgrounds. This year's meeting was held in Chicago -- last weekend. The meetings do provide a great opportunity for people to help each other.
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