 Posted Thursday, September 28, 2006 3:59 AM
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I hesitated before writing this, but have come to a point in my life where I desperately need to share my story-
to beheard, to be understood, to know that I am not alone in my journey.
I am not and have never been a Christian Scientist, but have lived most of my life under its shadow, something I have only just discovered.
My grandmother was a devout Christian Scientist, described by my father as "fanatical about religion". He rejected all forms of religion because of it, left home at age 15 and had very little contact with his family thereafter. However, I have only recently realized that although he may have rejected the "God concept" involved with Christian Science, many of the other core beliefs within the cult persisted in my own family life. We were brought up believing that we were the "perfect family", and everything we did or said had to fit with this so called perfect image. In particular, any form of sickness or weakness was considered a failure. We were taken to doctors, but I always remember a sense of guilt and failure about being sick, and fear of being punished. "Mind over matter" was an important concept for us. I remember at school being guilty and frightened because of "failing" a hearing test and the school nurse writing home suggesting I be checked out by the doctor - then guilty because I had to go to the doctor and had an untreated ear infection. On a school camp I developed gastroenteritis and I was terrified of telling my parents, especially as a doctor had been called in to treat me. As an early teenager my unconscious belief in the power of the mind to overcome sickness was so great that I actually walked around for 3 weeks with a ruptured appendix and peritonitis - my life was saved (apparently within hours of dying) by a skilled surgeon when I was near collapse. Then when I was 17 my father developed cancer. My parents sat the children around the kitchen table and told us thaat he had teminal cancer and that we had to go away and forget about it and never ever talk about it to anyone. The sense of guilt and failure was enormous.
I have spent years struggling with these things, and especially with a phobic fear that God would punish me if I showed any signs of sin/weakness/failure. This irrational fear persisted long after I became a Christian as an adult and was baptised. I have battled and battled with it for years, and have never understood where it came from.
Over recent months I have again been crying out to God for healing from my "God phobia". I know about things like forgiveness intellectually, and have accepted Christ into my life. But there are parts of me (the weaker, vulnerable bits) that I have completely rejected and tried to hide away from God because of fear that He would reject me if He knew about them. Going to counselling has been good to explore some of this- and I have been encouraged to accept and listen to my feelings of fear and anxiety rather than fight them.
In doing this a few days ago a bombshell hit! Actually, I think it is really the power of the Holy Spirit working in my life. I felt a prompting that the key to my fears may lie in Christian Science. Up until then I had no idea what these people believed, just that they were some kind of fringe cult that my father had rejected, and that my grandmother had not believed in medical care.
I looked up a few sites on the Internet - and it was like all my childhood beliefs being replayed - about being perfect, denying and rejecting anything which gave an impression of being negative or weak, illness as weak and a failure, and something which should be overcome by the power of the mind, guilt about being sick and visiting doctors.
What a revelation! I always thought that I was the only person who had had these experiences. What a relief to finally know where it all came from! To be able to bring this into the light, to have knowledge and understanding about it - for me is to break its power, and goes a long way towards real healing - deep inner healing which is from the true God, rather than from the power of the mind and a false image of God.
Around the same time I also had a beautiful spiritual experience, in which I felt immersed in love - and had the certainty that "nothing could separate me from the love of God in Christ" - that God, through Christ accepted me WITH all my weakness and frailty - no need to run away and hide. I must have heard this intellectually a thousand times - but it has now moved from my head to my heart. After so many years I have been able to stop battling my fear, have been able to name, acknowledge and understand it - the relief is immense.
Does any of this make sense? I would love to know if others have had similar experiences.
In the light.
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Posted Thursday, September 28, 2006 8:32 AM
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In the light,
Yes, your story makes a lot of sense.
I'm SO glad you have begun to understand this root issue and have also begun to know, in your heart, that nothing can separate you from God's love. That step from head knowledge to heart knowledge can be huge when emotional issues are getting in the way.
You might be interested in my story if you haven't already found it among the other Personal Stories on the Christian Way web site. A lot of people who grew up in CS struggle with false guilt and self-nurturing issues and have told me that my experience resonates with them.
Thanks for sharing with us.
Linda
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Posted Thursday, September 28, 2006 9:20 AM
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In the light,
Many of us can relate completely to your feelings of guilt as a child. I experienced it every time I got sick; guilt that I had failed to 'stand porter at the door of thought' in the first place, guilt that my prayers and 'treatments' didn't heal me (not to mention the fear that came when I realized the adults who were the experts couldn't heal me either), guilt for being completely unable to 'deny the testimony of the material senses' instead of being overwhelmed by the pain, and guilt for wanting to just be like everyone else. I grew up in a warm and loving family, but that didn't change the fact that we were practicing a religion that never had tangible results in my life in any way. Looking back on my life, I can see that I really longed to experience the love of God (which was taught in CS) without all the incumbent pressure to prove that I didn't actually exist!
Your story of the beautiful spiritual experience is very touching to me, and I believe just like you do...that the Holy Spirit has filled you. Although I always felt as if God loved me, until I left CS and started truly studying the Bible and listening to other teachings, I never was able to get past the intellectual wranglings of understanding and proving one woman's theory in order to be filled with the peace you describe. It is really freeing to know that you are loved and accepted by God in your weak, faulty human state because he knows all about it! To me, CS is a head religion, and pure Christianity is so much more. I hesitate to say this any more on this forum, but that is MY experience.
I wish you the best as you continue to heal, but I really think you are there!!
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Posted Friday, September 29, 2006 9:22 PM
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Posted Saturday, September 30, 2006 6:16 AM
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Thank you Linda and dawn comes for your replies. I resonate with both your stories and others on this forum - so much is now making sense to me. One of the saddest things is that it sounds like many people grew up in loving and caring homes, as did I, and the hurt and damage which occured was unintentional (and in my case completely unconscious) - caused by misguided but well meaning beliefs - rather like the "wolf in sheep's clothing". Linda, I relate to the wounded inner child you describe in your story - the part of me which was never allowed to feel anything negative, and hid herself away, scared and alone ... now I have stopped rejecting her and am allowing myself and God to nurture her. It is such a relief to find others who have been on similar journeys.
in the light
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Posted Saturday, September 30, 2006 8:33 PM
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I consider the unintentional damage caused by CS to be one of its greatest tragedies. These are, for the most part, good people who want to do the right thing.
I am glad that you are learning to nurture that "inner child." The healing process is well worth the effort! May God bless you as you go through this process.
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Posted Wednesday, February 04, 2009 8:24 AM
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I also grew up in a Christian Science home, but unlike the first poster, I never felt "gult" for being sick. If you grow up with two parents who activly practic the Christian Science faith, things are different.
I am not a member of the Christian Science church, but I do get alittle offended when someone calls Christian Science a "cult", if you read this link, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cult_(religious_practice) then ALL religians are cults. I pose this question: Why is it called "The Cathlic FAITH", but when you talk about Christian Science it is a cult??
One major thing I CAN say about Christian Science, is that its members don't go around throwing their religion in other peoples faces, they respect other religions (at least that is what I was brought up to believe)
Anyway, that's my opinion...flame away.
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Posted Wednesday, February 04, 2009 9:44 AM
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Anonymous (2/4/2009)
I also grew up in a Christian Science home, but unlike the first poster, I never felt "gult" for being sick. If you grow up with two parents who activly practic the Christian Science faith, things are different.
I am not a member of the Christian Science church, but I do get alittle offended when someone calls Christian Science a "cult", if you read this link, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cult_(religious_practice) then ALL religians are cults. I pose this question: Why is it called "The Cathlic FAITH", but when you talk about Christian Science it is a cult??
One major thing I CAN say about Christian Science, is that its members don't go around throwing their religion in other peoples faces, they respect other religions (at least that is what I was brought up to believe)
Anyway, that's my opinion...flame away.
No, I'm not going to flame you. But I did grow up in a home where both parents were practicing Christian Scientists, as was I, and my grandparents and great-grandparents. So while your experience was positive with that, mine was not. It is no guarantee that it's different.
I too used to get very offended when CS was referred to as a cult. And you're right, all religions have some traits of the cultish. But the control shown by the leader, the special language and other issues do push CS over on the cult side, in my opinion. Linda wrote a book on it and makes excellent points. It's not Jonestown, but -- then again, maybe it is, as people, on the word of a charismatic leader, ignore what is best for their health and continued life! Is there really much difference between a practitioner telling a mother to take her child out of the ER and let her die, because that's preferable to healing through medicine; and drinking that poisoned punch at the insistence of Jim Jones?
Not enough difference for me.
Ann
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Posted Wednesday, February 04, 2009 10:36 AM
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Anonymous:
Thank you for posting, and sharing your background in Christian Science. You are most welcome here.
I see your point. While I did not go to Wikipedia, I went to Websters at http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cult Certainly, the first couple of references would indicate that any faith could so be designated. It's the latter references that I think many of us (and others) focus on when referring to Christian Science as a cult. I guess, though, I will stop doing that right now. It is the teachings of Mary Baker Eddy and Christian Science that I hope folks will focus on, and how they have hurt or led to premature deaths of probably thousands that I take issue with, given my own history with the religion. I also take issue with the claim that it is Christian, which both from a historical and Spiritual point of view it cannot claim.
I do also understand where you are coming from in saying that Christian Scientists don't personally go around
"bashing" anyone. This was my own personal experience.
The same cannot be said for Mary Baker Eddy, however. Her whole life, and indeed her founding of the Christian Science movement, was actually a full scale "bash" against Christianity.
For example, she said that you could not understand Christian teachings without Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures. In there, you will find on pages 579-599 in the Glossary well over 100 English redefinitions of key words in the Bible. These word rewrites which Mrs. Eddy took out of thin air completely change the meanings of the Gospels, the Epistles, etc.. Never mind the meaning of the words that the authors of the New Testament were trying to convey, and the thoughts therein. Mrs. Eddy didn't like those, so she decided to come up with different word definitions and thoughts. Is this a form of "bashing"? You bet it is!!! It is also completely dishonest intellectually. How would like someone rewriting something you wrote to give it a totally different meaning than what you intended? Am I safe to say you wouldn't?
Now, add to this that these word redefinitions have led to the unnecessary suffering and death of many, many, folks, and I hope you can see where we are coming from. For example, my Dad almost died when I was 3. He had a burst appendicitis for over 2 days and didn't want to betray his faith. It wasn't until my mother threatened divorce that he allowed her to call an ambulance. Fortunately, he survived 5 hours of surgery. If both my parents had been CS, I would have undoubtedly grown up without a Father. (Dozens of posters to this site have similar and in many cases, worse experiences.)
Now, let me top this off by saying that the worst part about this is that my Dad and still thousands of others firmly believed (or believe) that following such a course is exactly what Jesus taught, and to stray from that is to stray from his teachings!!! It most definitely is not. The total opposite is true, and those of us who are no longer involved with CS attest to. Again, this is where we are coming from, and I hope you can understand therefore why some of us may get a little emotional at times.
Anyway, I've rambled on here longer than I planned. I hope this background is helpful.
In Christ Jesus,
John
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Posted Wednesday, February 04, 2009 8:12 PM
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John,
I agree that arguing over the definition of cult is not productive.
The same cannot be said for Mary Baker Eddy, however. Her whole life, and indeed her founding of the Christian Science movement, was actually a full scale "bash" against Christianity.
I wonder how Mary Baker Eddy's Christian faith would have been affected had she and those around her in her youth understood Scriptures better and been able to teach better. For example, what if the infamous Presbyterian pastor mentioned in Retrospection and Introspection (Ret 14:3-13) not been so old school, strict, and dogmatic? Her autobiography makes it sound as though her theologic rejection of the Trinity and her perspective of the Bible depended upon the poor theology or poor communication skills of her preteen pastor and her father's "relentless theology". I get the impression that Mark Baker had much in common with the popular image of Lizzie Borden's father though I truly doubt she actually suffered that level of abuse, theologic or otherwise.
Of course poor communication skills aside, the Bible validates her dad's "belief in a final judgment-day" and "the danger of endless punishment". The concept of "a Jehovah merciless towards unbelievers" gets twisted up in communications, but is also not entirely wrong. She went on to describe the naturally calming effect of her mother's touch as a healing over which "(t)he physician marvelled". She was thereby forever cured of Calvinism. I see the germ of a lifelong pattern.
One of The Mother Church's official web sites, Spirituality.com, provides online access to three "study" references, Science & Health with Key to the Scriptures (at least Genesis and Revelation), the King James Bible, and Mrs. Eddy's autobiography. I would have been interested to have been in the room when the Christian Science Board of Directors approved elevating her autobiography above her other Prose Works and counted it equal with her textbook and the Bible. I agreed, however, not to argue over the definition of "cult".
Do Go Be Man
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