 Posted Thursday, April 14, 2011 11:24 PM
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Anonymous (2/16/2003)
Were you afraid of something terrible happening? Of having a car wreck? Sickness? Or other tragedy? And did anything happen?
What about all the guilt and burden of "being responsible for your own thoughts." How did you deal with that?
Thanks.
Hi Anonymous,
I didn't get to read through all responses, so I apologize if I'm being redundant, but I still wanted to respond to you!
Especially to this comment you made, 'What about all the guilt and burden of "being responsible for your own thoughts." How did you deal with that? '
OK, so I was raised in CS from birth and I was terrified when I first left. I actually went into shock for a bit, and have since realized that shock is a very natural initial response. Leaving CS is traumatic, no question. So go easy on yourself and expect it to be hard, but ultimately rewarding. You're finally free, but the journey to freedom will take time and patience.
For me, I immediately felt like my mind was liquefied. Whereas before I had a rigid CS structure for controlling and manipulating my own thought patterns, suddenly that structure was gone. I felt like my thoughts were spinning out of control all the time, and I worried that I was losing my mind. It's very much like your brain is a computer - you had the CS software program that processed all incoming data, but now that software program is closed, and you don't have another one yet. At the same time, data is still streaming in but you have no framework to process it effectively.
This is especially true of the stressful events and information you experience and receive everyday. You mentioned this. The CS response to stress is the 'guilt and burden' because you still think you're responsible for controlling your thoughts.
For example, when I first left, it was stressful just to accept that I was limited to 24 hours in one day. (Before I thought that I could pray to have as much time as I needed) Not to mention the stress of accepting that my body is real!
Specific Recommendations:
I recommend that you see a gestalt-based therapist to help you relate to your thoughts in a new way. I recommend gestalt because that is what I did and I have had amazing results. Gestalt focuses on the acceptance of the body as it relates to your mind. It is quite important upon leaving CS to develop an ability to relate to your body (completely new to you) and to your thoughts (relating to thoughts in a healthy way instead of a CS way will be new to you). I also took a scientifically-based course in mindfulness that was taught for people experiencing high stress. This course taught mindfulness without religious influence and mindfulness is absolutely the best thing I've done since I left because it gave me a new software program, a new framework for understanding how my thoughts work. Both of these things will help. I needed instruction and guidance, so I sought a course and a therapist. I didn't really trust either of them at first, but I was willing to show up and that was all that mattered.
As for the physical health questions. When I first left CS, a little over a year ago, I was really struggling with the same questions and I actually posted on here too, asking people if anything bad had happened to them and how long they'd lasted, etc. I can happily report that I officially left CS in April 2010 and I am still completely healthy today! I haven't had a single health issue, accident, natural disaster, or family tragedy since then.
I DID however, get really really scared. I was sure something bad would happen.
All the fear and anxiety actually caused a psychosomatic response in my body and I went to the doctor thinking that my liver or my kidneys or my gall bladder were giving out. I had recurring severe pains in my stomach area. I went to the doctor many times and they ran many tests, and found nothing wrong with me at all, completely healthy. Until finally they told me gently that it might be psychosomatic. The pain went away shortly after that and never returned. Funny, huh? Well, it sounds a bit CS-y doesn't it? The truth is that psychosomatic reactions are commonly known in the medical community and readily accepted as fact. Also, I had started to see a therapist regularly, talked to her about my fears and worked through some of the stress, I became aware of the impact the CS beliefs had on me, especially in severe stress reactions. Awareness helped me some to release the intense fears. Although I knew CS didn't make sense intellectually, it takes much longer to accept that it doesn't make sense emotionally.
If you have anything physical come up and you are scared, it is a wise decision to go to a doctor and have it checked out. It's an even wiser decision to go to a doctor right away, even though nothing is wrong, just to get a feel for what it is like and begin to form a relationship with a doctor. Explain to them that you have no training and that they will have to explain everything to you as though you were a child. I spent time reading kidshealth.org to get the lessons every other person gets from their pediatrician growing up.  Most doctors are actually really nice and caring, and it's a good idea to get to know the person who will treat you before you need to be treated.
Also, I want to advise that CS supports a manner of thinking that is very dependent on the group. That has been my experience. Ever since leaving, I have struggled against an internalized feeling that I don't know how to handle things on my own. At first, it was hard for me to even think of researching resources for myself. So, I want to urge you to remember that you can do your own research. You don't know a lot yet, but you CAN learn. For example, you could look up gestalt therapy on wikipedia to learn more about it, if you like what you read then you can find therapists. Call them first to ask questions before agreeing to see them for a session. This kind of learning before jumping in is probably going to feel weird to you. The CS way is all or nothing, commitment or no commitment at all, but you need to be cautious and go slowly. It'll take a while to get comfortable with ambiguity.
Some books I recommend:
The Mindful Way through Depression by Williams, Teasdale, Segal, and Kabat-Zinn.
This book really helped me understand how to relate to my thoughts in a healthy way. It's not just about depression and it was written by 3 clinical psychologists so it has a firm scientific basis. The fourth author is the leading researcher on secular mindfulness practice. I think this book is better than other mindfulness books, which usually incorporate Buddhist ideas and are less scientific.
Definitely read The Religion that Kills by Linda Kramer. It is well-written, not overbearing, her arguments are logically constructed and very validating.
Finally, I recommend the Courage to Grieve by Judy Tatelbaum. After you've had some time to process, this book is very helpful. It took me a long time to realize that I was actually going through a grieving process and mourning what I had lost. This book helped me understand what it means to grieve and how to help myself through it.
Wow, I wrote a lot, I hope some of this is helpful to you. If you want to talk more about any of it, I'm here! Best wishes to you!
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Posted Sunday, August 07, 2011 6:33 AM
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| I left the Boston church as well, but joined the Plainfield independent CS church and participate over the internet and teleconference and just love it and get lots of support and healing.
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