 Posted Friday, February 13, 2009 7:51 AM
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A variation: "Isn't it part of Lutheran theology that you can't get into Heaven unless you bring a tuna casserole? or something?"
When it comes to the above (and as a Lutheran), I can only quote Luther himself: "This is most certainly true" !
John
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Posted Tuesday, February 17, 2009 9:03 PM
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| This was sent to me, found somewhere in "facebook." No claims of originality are made. You know you're a Christian Scientist if........
All your friends think you're a scientologist
No one in your school goes to the same church as you
You got exempt from science class
You got exempt from health class
and for the first time, everyone wanted to convert to your religion
Your church is 90% empty
There are at least 3 churches of your denomination in your city, and each one only has 10 members
The average age of your church's membership is 85
People ask you if MBE is your "Jesus"
People ask you if you believe in Jesus or God
You know what MBE, CS, CSB, TMC, S&H stands for
You wonder why it's "CSB" and not "CST"
You don't believe in doctors or medicine but you still go to the dentist
You were born in your parent's bathroom
You go college with all the same people you went to camp with
You go to camp when you're a senior in college, and you're excited about it
"I can't, I'm a Christian Scientist" has been your excuse on many occasions
You pray for your car to start
The fact that there is no matter means you don't have to fill your car up with gas
You can name every celebrity who was a Christian Scientist, all two of them
People think Tom Cruise is the leader of your Church
You're a badass if you drink Dr. Pepper
You were totally disappointed when you found out Barq's root beer had caffeine
You know everything the readers are going to say on Sunday
"The clanging bells of time" makes you want to puke
You debate whether or not your hymnal should be updated after 80 years.
You ask if alcohol was used to cook your food
You have a person at church who claims she healed her newborn kittens of blindness
You hear testimonies from old ladies about praying for their vacuum cleaners
You "stop and listen" when you can't find your car keys
You keep your dead fish in the tank for 3 days trying to bring it back
In every country you go to, there's someone you know
On any flight to Boston, there are 3 other people your parents used to work with
On any flight to St. Louis, there are 3 other people you or your parents went to school with
Your cousin's roommate is married to your aunt's third cousin
On Wednesday, all stories begin and end with "thank you for your readings"
The organist of your church doesn't belong to your religion
You only go to "class" once a year
You've felt guilty about using cough drops
There's really no point to drinking your morning coffee
You listen to NPR
Your religion is the only one that has a newspaper that is actually respected by those outside the religion.
You can't wait for the South Park episode on your religion to come out
You get an email every time your religion is mentioned in the media
You try to do the opposite of whatever Catholics are doing
You're always specifying the case of your words
You didn't have to go to church until you were 20
Your 18th and 21st birthday mean nothing, but it's big when you turn 20.
Wednesday night was fun until you were old enough to sit still
After college, AU becomes your singles' bar
After college, you become a nurse, work for TMC youth, or as a student manager at your college
Your friends don't understand why you can't drink if you think sin isn't real
Your pastor is a couple of books
You wish your friends a happy "special day" and they have no clue what you're talking about.
For the rest of your life you are the "designated driver"
No matter what camp you go to, there's always a copy of The Princess Bride floating around.
You learn the phrase "Ancient and Modern Necromancy, alias Mesmerism and Hypnotism, Denounced" before you know what any of those words actually mean.
Everyone in your church sits as far back as possible.
You make fun of the guy who sits in the very front of the church by himself.
You try to "avoid the appearance of evil."
You occasionally translate "avoid the appearance of evil" as "don't get caught."
You have seven alternate names for God (and "Jesus" is not one of them).
Someone starts humming/whistling/singing "O Danny Boy" and your first thought is "Yeah! Hymn 412!"
You say that you've never been immunized, and non-CSers either insist that you were and you just don't remember it or they "jokingly" scoot their chair away from you (and never scoot it back).
At least once a week your fingers are covered in blue chalk dust.
You skip church, you don't fear Hell nearly as much as the look of disapproval from your parents.
You saw Star Wars (IV-VI), The Matrix, and What The Bleep Do We Know and just knew they were about your religion
You were disappointed when you found out about metachlorians in Star Wars I
Every time you go to any meeting, you feel guilty looking at the speaker.
You have at least one friend that refuses to eat chocolate because it has caffeine in it.
You can't make a bill payment, and say "God is in control"
You start humming really loudly during a medical commercial, or, if you find the remote in time, you mute it.
You've ever subconsciously started "knowing the truth" about the characters in a book, a TV show or a movie.
When growing up, you think "Sunday school is dismissed" is part of your ending prayer.
Everyone is part of your religion, some just aren't "practicing."
You considered not joining this group because you think it might lead to malpractice
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Posted Wednesday, February 18, 2009 10:18 AM
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I love it! It describes my life up to age 33!
Ann
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Posted Wednesday, February 18, 2009 12:26 PM
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Your friends all read Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys; YOU read Jewel: a Chapter in Her Life. 
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Posted Wednesday, February 18, 2009 1:15 PM
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These really made me laugh. Thanks for sharing them!
I'll add a few for my generation!
You had to explain to your friends why your living room walls had framed photos of a church, a Victorian house, and an elderly lady standing on a balcony.
You've gone with your parent to replace the periodicals in the little racks at the washateria.
You believed that Prin was simply the best college in the nation.
You, however, ended up at a large state university and learned that the 'org' consisted of five students.
You were made, at the confused age of twelve, to 'join' a mother church in a different state to which you had never traveled. You were supposed to feel privileged.
You got a religious waiver from a judge to avoid the blood test once required for marriage. (What....ya'll didn't do this, too?? Bet you would have if you'd have known you could!) 
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Posted Saturday, March 14, 2009 9:32 AM
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[Moderator’s note: This message was approved with a level of reluctance. Those of who survived Christian Science may consider it dark humor.]
You left your dead husband in his recliner for 3 days before calling the county coroner.
You never attended a funeral in your entire life.
You burned the bodies of your loved ones before there could ever be a chance for an autopsy.
You had no clue as to the meaning of the rigors of the scientific process and "double blind studies" necessary to claim proof of medical treatment in the real world.
The "real world" is not the real world to you and vice versa.
You live in the middle of a riddle at all times.
No one in your family has ever had a wedding and they are proud of it.
You don't do a single thing to feed the poor, the widows, the orphans, the jailbirds other than deny their existence and their predicament.
You know there is a better way to propagate the species other than biologically having babies.
But you do it anyway and blame it on twisted Mortal Mind or Malicious Animal Magnetism.
And you recite the scientific statement of being when anybody jokes about your religion or your beliefs.
You thought Typhoid Mary had her rights to freely roam the city.
You represented 20 percent of your local congregation.
To you the term "Reading Room" means something totally different that what it means to all the rest of the world.
Terrible feelings well-up inside of you when people joke about "The Reading Room".
People in church sit as far away from each other as possible.
People in your church all wear Victorian dresses to church or 3 piece suits and a navy blue tie.
People in your church all carry 2 holy books instead of one, each one with a whole bunch metal wired tabs sticking out.
No one comes to church with an oxygen tank or in a wheel chair because they are so ashamed about it that they would rather die in isolation from their church "friends" than to be seen using extra doses of air or an aid to mobility.
No more CS 4 me.
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Posted Saturday, March 14, 2009 12:37 PM
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| I didn't mean for my post to hurt anyone. I too am a survivor of these things I joke about ... possibly too insensitively of others' feelings. I am truly sorry if my "humor" hurt anyone.
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Posted Saturday, March 14, 2009 12:44 PM
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Anonymous Posted March 14, 2009 @ 2:37:56 PM,
Sorry, didn't mean my note to imply you meant to hurt anyone. Problem is your post contains too much truth to be considered purely jokes as this thread implies. :-) I thought about moving it to a different thread, but decided to play it as it lay.
Do Go Be Man
<><
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Posted Sunday, March 15, 2009 5:07 PM
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The last 'joke' reminded me of a facebook group that lists "you might be a __ if" for Christian Scientists.... just a slightly darker version
Although it's geared towards people who are currently still members of the religion, some of you may find some humor in it. I know it certainly bought back some memories for me:
You know you’re a Christian scientist if…
All your friends think you’re a scientologist
no one in your school goes to the same church as you
you got exempt from science class
you got exempt from health class
… and for the first time, everyone wanted to convert to your religion
your church is 90% empty
there are at least 3 churches of your denomination in your city, and each one only has 10 members
the average age of your church’s membership is 85
people ask you if MBE is your “Jesus”
people ask you if you believe in Jesus or God
you know what MBE, CS, CSB, TMC, S&H stands for
you wonder why it’s “CSB” and not “CST”
you don’t believe in doctors or medicine but you still go to the dentist
you were born in your parent’s bathroom
you go college with all the same people you went to camp with
you go to camp when you’re a senior in college, and you’re excited about it
“I can’t, I’m a Christian Scientist” has been your excuse on many occasions
you pray for your car to start
The fact that there is no matter means you don’t have to fill your car up with gas
you can name every celebrity who was a Christian Scientist, all two of them
people think Tom Cruise is the leader of your Church
you’re a badass if you drink Dr. Pepper
you were totally disappointed when you found out Barq’s root beer had caffeine
You know everything the readers are going to say on Sunday
“the clanging bells of time” makes you want to puke
you debate whether or not your hymnal should be updated after 80 years.
you ask if alcohol was used to cook your food
you have a person at church who claims they healed their newborn kittens of blindness
you hear testimonies from old ladies about praying for their vacuum cleaners
you “stop and listen” when you can’t find your car keys
you keep your dead fish in the tank for 3 days trying to bring it back
in every country you go to, there’s someone you know
on any flight to Boston, there are 3 other people your parents used to work with
on any flight to St. Louis, there are 3 other people you / your parents went to school with
your cousin’s roommate is married to your aunt’s third cousin
on Wednesday, all stories begin and end with “thank you for your readings”
the organist of your church doesn’t belong to your religion
you only go to “class” once a year
you’ve felt guilty about using cough drops
there’s really no point to drinking your morning coffee
you listen to NPR
your religion is the only one that has a newspaper that is actually respected by those outside the religion.
you can’t wait for the South Park episode on your religion to come out
you get an email every time your religion is mentioned in the media
you try to do the opposite of whatever Catholics are doing
you’re always specifying the case of your words
you didn’t have to go to church until you were 20
your 18th and 21st birthday mean nothing, but it's big when you turn 20.
Wednesday night was fun until you were old enough to sit still
after college, AU becomes your singles’ bar
after college, you become a nurse, work for TMC youth, or as a student manager at your college
your friends don’t understand why you can’t drink if you think sin isn’t real
your pastor is a couple of books
you wish your friends a happy "special day" and they have no clue what you're talking about.
for the rest of your life you are the "designated driver"
no matter what camp you go to, there's always a copy of The Princess Bride floating around.
You learn the phrase "Ancient and Modern Necromancy, alias Mesmerism and Hypnotism, Denounced" before you know what any of those words actually mean.
Everyone in your church sits as far back as possible.
You make fun of the guy who sits in the very front of the church by himself.
You try to "avoid the appearance of evil."
You occasionally translate "avoid the appearance of evil" as "don't get caught."
You have seven alternate names for God (and "Jesus" is not one of them).
Someone starts humming/whistling/singing "O Danny Boy" and your first thought is "Yay! Hymn 412!"
You say that you've never been immunized, and non-CSers either insist that you were and you just don't remember it or they "jokingly" scoot their chair away from you (and never scoot it back).
at least once a week your fingers are covered in blue chalk dust.
you skip church, you don't fear Hell nearly as much as the look of disapproval from your parents.
you saw Star Wars (IV-VI), The Matrix, and What The Bleep Do We Know and just knew they were about your religion
you were disappointed when you found out about metachlorians in Star Wars I
you have at least one friend that refuses to eat chocolate because it has caffeine in it.
you can’t make a bill payment, and say “God is in control”
you start humming really loudly during a medical commercial, or, if you find the remote in time, you mute it.
you've ever subconsciously started "knowing the truth" about the characters in a book, a TV show or a movie.
when growing up, you think “Sunday school is dismissed” is part of your ending prayer.
everyone is part of your religion, some just aren’t “practicing.”
This isn't copyrighted material, but for reference here's where the list came from:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=24190080928
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Posted Monday, March 16, 2009 11:14 AM
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| This is not really a joke persay, but I thought it could bring a smile to ex-CSists: Right after I discovered that CS is doctrinally incorrect and could in no way be considered the "truth" about God, I began to read both "God's Perfect Child" and "The Religion that Kills" to get some perspective on things. I had both books out on my coffeetable one day when my new neighbor came by unannounced. I noticed that she was staring at the book covers, but I didn't even try to give an explanation to her. My mom came over a bit later, and I told her that the neighbor had looked somewhat startled to see what I was reading. My mom said with humor in her voice, "Well, with those titles, she probably thought that you think you are perfect and that you want to kill everyone else who is not!"
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