 Posted Thursday, June 25, 2009 5:37 PM
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This is really sad Ann, about your aunt and you.
I think a lot of us really know the feeling.
I see it as inevitable, however. We are coming from totally incompatible realities now that we have left their way of thinking. The common ground is almost non-existent anymore. Now that I have "defected" I pose a pretty big threat on their already taxed belief system, they have to keep denying things all day, because reality keeps smacking them upside the head all day, and just thinking about me poses a huge dilemma for them.
I really feel that we were sort of coaxed into loving MBE and CS more than we dared to love our own kinfolk, (but I say that at great risk of being condemned by devout CSers who troll these posts willing to pounce on those of us who have thought these things through and have the courage to talk real about our new perspectives and feelings. ) I know they do love their family members in their own stiffled way, but now that we have defected they just don't know what to say to us anymore. They are, I am sure, very bewildered deep down inside. Now that I have had tons of therapy, I talk a totally different way. That poses a shock to them. I am no longer shy, and fearful, and unhealthy. I am living a freer, more lively, expanded, adventurous life which pretty much makes the family members look like real under-achievers, ol' sticks-in-the-mud" (remember that old saying?) So they are a little bit Victorian about my life-style and actually think in their mind that I am the prodigal son, off living like a wild, wanton, woman. Nothing could be further from the truth, but that's their MBE belief system rearing it's ugly head. I don't care about lookin' good in the neighborhood like I used to (and they still do). My life isn't about keeping that "perfect, successful, healthy, holy" fake image anymore. I just am healthy, and messy, and adventurous, and happy; and I have nice open relationships and they don't have those joys. They just struggle with their blue chalk and those stupid metal markers! Phew!
CS thought process touches every aspect and function of life so a devout CS can't talk to us about anything anymore, I am sure they feel the loss of our friendship and they too grieve in their own way. Perhaps they even grieve more than if we just fell over and died. It's like a divorce from a mate you really loved; some therapists say that divorcees have a harder time adjusting to their loss than widows have adjusting to death of a spouse.
Ain't life a rose garden! Flowers and thorns!
no more CS4me
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Posted Friday, June 26, 2009 9:29 AM
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Anonymous (6/25/2009)
CS thought process touches every aspect and function of life so a devout CS can't talk to us about anything anymore, I am sure they feel the loss of our friendship and they too grieve in their own way. Perhaps they even grieve more than if we just fell over and died. It's like a divorce from a mate you really loved; some therapists say that divorcees have a harder time adjusting to their loss than widows have adjusting to death of a spouse.
Yes, this is true. Trust me, I know. I met my husband at Principia College, and we dated the whole four years. We got married. We loved each other deeply. But we would never have gotten married if he had not been assured by a practitioner that his attraction for men was "error" and could be healed through prayer and marriage would help. Not that he didn't love me, but he was gay, and that's inborn, and not a disorder to be healed. It was a long, hard, painful journey for him to learn to accept and love himself as he was, and he even contemplated suicide at times. A terrible thing, especially for someone so full of life as he was -- Linda will remember, she knew him at Prin too. And we were both shattered by our divorce, and it was very very hard, and I remember thinking, not that I wished he had died, but that as a widow I would at least have sympathy, rather than the constant feeling of failure -- not just in general as a divorced woman, but as a Christian Scientist. That started to break down my devotion to CS. We had done everything right -- both raised in CS, went to Prin, went through class instruction, were readers in our branch church. Both intended to be practitioners. And how is it that we could not heal this?
And the remarks from CS friends? The divorce alone was clearly considered to be our failure. I left it to my husband to tell the real truth to those he trusted -- and those mostly ended up being people who had also left the church. Others would not accept him, they would expect him to heal his homosexuality.
But, eventually, he went back to the church. He did not go back into the closet. Once he knew I no longer was a practicing CS, he didn't talk to me about why he went back. He only said he took what he wanted and left the rest. But I wish he had made another choice, because continuing with CS meant he struggled so much when he became ill with liver disease, and vacillated between medical treatment and CS treatment until he died.
And at his funeral, there were two people we had gone to Prin with. One, who had left the church, was one of my ex's best friends, who completely accepted him as he was. The other, still a church member, was stiff and uncomfortable and made a snide comment to me about my ex and his "companion".
And I'll never forget my class-taught, devout CS grandfather dying slowly and painfully of what we believe was cancer while desperately reading "the books" alone in his kitchen and trying so hard to heal himself. And contrast that with my father, who died at exactly the same age of cancer, cared for by hospice and kept out of pain with medication, surrounded by his non-CS family members (his CS sister did not come at all while he was ill, nor to the funeral), he passed away peacefully in his sleep.
CS has done nothing for me in my life, but ruin it over and over.
Ann
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Posted Friday, June 26, 2009 2:22 PM
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Dear Ann,
What a story. I am so saddened and angry at the whole CS system. Poor, poor followers, and yet how nasty some of them can be! What a flaming mess this CS religion really is. Little innocent children being born into this stuff, living our young lives in hopes that we will get it "right", and feeling the effects (in silence mostly) of the shambles our CS elders are making of family life. I blame much of it on such audacious spiritual arrogance on the part of those (dead from the hair follicles down) CS Practitioners who don't know squat about human beings let alone anything about healing real disease, but go to Class and become CS Practitioners (how many weeks?) and suddenly they are better than Medical Doctors, or research scientists and mental health therapists!
I didn't get to go to Principia, I went to a small State University. I didn't have much in common with the other students because I was the only CSer attending that campus at the time. It was lonely and scary in a lot of ways but it was also a big blessing, it loosened me up, showed me a whole new way to live. I rebelled and did sneaky things like the other kids, I felt deep shame for being a mis-fit, and deeper shame for experimenting with stuff that adolescents normally do. I was called a "goodie-goodie" by the boys and prudish by the girls. I dropped out of college after 3 years of emotionally draining family problems and married a home town guy who I had admired since I was 13 years old. I was full of love and he was a willing recipient. I was trained to overlook all negative personality symptoms of all people so I overlooked his indifference to me and the fact that he had to have a couple of drinks in order to have any enthusiasm to do anything, to talk, to smile, to take a walk, to do anything other than go to work, come home, watch news, sports, and violent Westerns on tv. It was awful. I didn't like being around him when he wasn't drinking because he was so grim, gloomy and dull. But I didn't like the booze thing every night either. He called me a pious prude for not joining him in drinking. He obviously wasn't CS, so I had to read my lesson every day after he left for work. I never knew the joy of praying with a loved one or any other person in my whole life! He would buy a bottle of champaign for every celebration and he shamed me into drinking the bottle with him. I would get so buzzed my head was spinning and I was staggering. It was awful. I tried to be what he wanted me to be. I finally found my way into therapy which led to a very angry husband and a nasty divorce.
Nothing in CS prepares a young girl for the realities of dating and sexuality or marriage and divorce. Nothing. CS Sunday School and CS periodicals address absolutely none of the most crucial issues a young girl faces in real life. The fact that daddy rarely pays attention to her or hugs her, the fact of her natural need for affirmation, and affection, her joy at being liked by a boy, hormones, dating, the good-night kiss, pushy boys who pretend to care for her. Gay and lesbian issues. Getting hurt. Getting dumped. Getting engaged. CS Sunday School teachers and CS Practitioners giving holy sounding advice when they really don't know squat. Yes, I know the drill and I hate it. It just about destroyed me and my kids along with my sibs and their kids. I got squashed by the ridiculous, irresponsible religious training. My young brothers got squashed, my baby brother lost his life, my 10 year old sister lost her life, my dad went insane, my mother went blind, deaf and crippled. My CS Practitioner sister had 4 divorces , My brothers each had 2 divorces. Their children ran away at age 13 and 14 and got involved with sex and drugs. And all the while I tried to keep a smile on my face and be polite to my siblings and my parents when we had absolutely nothing in common other than the fact that we did love each other deep down beneath it all. CS smothers the sacred bond of family. We can never replace that, and never get those years back. That's why I reach out to others and try to help them. It's the only thing that makes my family sacrifices somewhat worthwhile. I have to remind myself that God loves other people's families as much as he loves mine, and if I can't help my own family then I must help someone elses'. (I bet they didn't teach that idea at Principia!)
I get more support from the mis-fit, recovering drunks and narcotic addicts that I met in 12 Step programs than I ever got from anyone in CS.
I guess it's about the humility and the willingness to follow 12 very crucial and important Steps to make a good life.
Ann, you have my love.
And love to the rest of you too, even to the poor loyal CSers who haven't yet broken away!!!
no more CS4me
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Posted Monday, November 08, 2010 8:40 PM
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This is in response to your note about whether the Principia Purpose would print anything about your membership in the Methodist Church if you told them. In 1978, I wrote that I had become a "Born Again Christian" and they printed that under the news for 1976 graduates so I'm sure they would print your news, also.
Joan
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Posted Monday, May 30, 2011 5:58 AM
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Dear Ann, I have a sneaking suspicion that your ex and I were roommates for a few summers and immediately after graduation. He was a very special individual (Actually I thought you both were!) and although our personalities were like oil and water, I miss his sharp wit - which may, in part, have been a defense mechanism against a not-always-accepting world. I had a chance to meet up with him several years later shorlty after his partner had passed on and was touched to see that he had mellowed considerably as he became more comfortable with himself ... and was I was saddened to hear of his passing through a mutual acquaintance several months after the fact. Unlike him, in the mid '80s I was able to sever ties with the religioius organization - specifically because of its anti-gay stance, and though I now go to doctors when needed there are still elements of the beliefs that I think are right on ... ever see the movie "What the (Bleep) Do We Know?"
Much love - and peace and joy to you.
RJS C'74
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Posted Wednesday, June 01, 2011 9:31 AM
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Guest (5/30/2011)
Dear Ann, I have a sneaking suspicion that your ex and I were roommates for a few summers and immediately after graduation. He was a very special individual (Actually I thought you both were!) and although our personalities were like oil and water, I miss his sharp wit - which may, in part, have been a defense mechanism against a not-always-accepting world. I had a chance to meet up with him several years later shorlty after his partner had passed on and was touched to see that he had mellowed considerably as he became more comfortable with himself ... and was I was saddened to hear of his passing through a mutual acquaintance several months after the fact. Unlike him, in the mid '80s I was able to sever ties with the religioius organization - specifically because of its anti-gay stance, and though I now go to doctors when needed there are still elements of the beliefs that I think are right on ... ever see the movie "What the (Bleep) Do We Know?"
Much love - and peace and joy to you.
RJS C'74
How nice to hear from you! Of course I remember you well! I too miss his wit and humor. It was not so sharp in later years, but still as funny and warm as he was.
No, I never saw that movie. I loved going to Prin at the time, though, so there was some good. Plus, if I hadn't gone there, I would never have met him, or you either.
Much love to you too.
Ann
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