The only way I saw adults express anger was silence.  There were days when my dad didn't speak to me at all.  I didn't think he loved me and usually I didn't even know why he was angry. 

I'm finally letting myself feel angry and sometimes it's overwhelming.  In addition to being angry about the events of my childhood (the death of my mom & brother and sexual abuse by my dad & brother) I'm furious about the brainwashing I received in CS.  I'm working with an excellent therapist who understands the effect CS has had on me but I'd like to hear from people who know first hand what it's like.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Polarbear

It's normal for the anger to come out and for it to be surprisingly intense and even overwhelming. I had a loving family and a basically happy childhood despite some major glitches that I had to work through in therapy, so I was surprised by the intensity of the anger that finally came to the surface. Part of the problem was that my CS way of thinking had never allowed me to properly process emotions and events as a child. When I started to recognize and work through the issues as an adult, they all started coming to the surface and I had to face a lifetime of significant events. For a while things became so intense that my anger overwhelmed my good memories; as I worked through the anger the balance finally returned. Now most of the things that caused anger are more memories than feelings. A therapist drew the analogy to physical scars after a wound has healed; the scar is evidence that there was a wound, but the wound doesn't hurt anymore.

I don't know if I have described this event before on the forums, but I'll share it with you now. In 1995 I spent a couple of weeks at the Wellspring Retreat and Resource Center, a counseling facility for people who have been in cults, cultic relationships, and "high demand" groups of various sorts. I went there because I was feeling extreme and unrelenting anxiety that I knew was related to my background in CS and was looking for help in understanding how CS had affected me. One of my symptoms was what I can only describe as "a scream inside my head." It had been there for a very long time; I had no idea what it was or what was causing it.

The counseling sessions lasted two hours every day in addition to daily workshops, so we had time to really get into some of my issues. The first few days we explored some basic issues that came to mind and didn't necessarily involve CS, but on the third or fourth day I started describing the thinking processes involved in CS. All of a sudden I started screaming uncontrollably. It went on for several minutes and was REALLY intense (you "had to be there"...). The counselor said what he saw was a perfect blending of two emotions -- "I'm ANGRY" and "This [CS] is driving me CRAZY!!!" When it was all over I noticed the most amazing thing -- the "scream" was gone. I suspect this actually represents the release of a longstanding tension, but it was an amazing sensation. I never felt the "scream in my head" again.

I told you this story to encourage you to go through your discovery process rather than being afraid of it. I think a lot of people have trouble working through their anger because they refuse to fully recognize and work through it -- they think it's just too scary or too painful, or they refuse to share something like sexual abuse with a male counselor because they were sexually abused by a male. Many people simply don't have a "safe" environment in which to allow the anger to surface. I doubt, for example, whether my screaming episode could have occurred in a counseling office located in an office building where the walls are fairly thin and I would have been aware of "neighbors" wondering what was going on and thinking about the crazy lady in the shrink's office. Wellspring provided an incredibly private environment where anyone within earshot would "understand" and not be worried or judgmental. (OK, the dog outside didn't understand and started barking...) But the screaming episode provided insight into my issues that was crucial to my recovery process.

I don't know if what I'm sharing is helpful. I want to put my arms around you and let you know that the freedom you are seeking is well worth the effort you are going through.