 Posted Monday, June 18, 2007 7:53 PM
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Linda,
Thanks so much for your response to my post. I'm looking forward to a time when the causes of anger are just memories. I can see that I'm moving in that direction ... it just takes so much time, work and energy.
I understand the "scream" in your head. For me it's swear words in my head. It has seemed so odd to me because I'm not a person who swears much at all. I've done some screaming and swearing in the car when no one is around. Also, I usually see my therapist in her home where there aren't close neighbors, so I can feel free to emote.
I am sometimes scared of the recovery process, especially the anger part, and I am working through it anyway. I feel totally safe to share anything and everything with my therapist. I'm so blessed to be working with her.
I cried when I read your last sentence: "I want to put my arms around you and let you know that the freedom you are seeking is well worth the effort you are going through." I need that kind of encouragement and nurturing so much! I think that all of us who were raised in CS missed out on some of the emotional support we should have gotten from our parents, especially when we had a "problem". In addition, my mom was sick for the entire 9 years of my life before she died. She had to work for part of that time and had no energy left for me. She left the nurturing to my dad, but he molested me. I don't know if she knew it was happening and denied it, or if she didn't know. Regardless, I felt totally alone and responsible for the bad things going on. My mom was in a CS nursing home before she died. I remember my grandmother telling me that I needed to know the truth for her. When she died, I thought it was because I didn't do a good enough job.
I'm rambling now -- it's just so good to have a place to vent. Thank you!
Polarbear
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Posted Tuesday, June 19, 2007 5:04 PM
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| Polarbear, I'm glad you have such a good situation with your therapist. That is, indeed, a blessing. Although like you I'm not a person who makes a practice of swearing, I recall doing a fair amount of it during some strategic moments when I was going through therapy. Sometimes those words were what really expressed what I needed to say. Now I look at people who routinely swear and wonder what they say when they REALLY need to express that kind of emotion -- they have "wasted" those words on simple crudeness and verbal laziness. CS does set kids up for some emotional deprivation, even in the best of circumstances. You had much more than the usual dose. My heart and prayers are with you.
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